Question Series: The Mean Switch

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I am one of the 4th grade teachers… We have a small grade of 22 students this year. 15 of the 22 are boys, many of whom are super competitive. We also have one student in particular who, due to personality, and patterns in relationships, seems to be targeted for mainly subversive meanness from the majority of the rest of the students. It is a pattern that may have begun with frustration and annoyance, but has now crossed over to some sort of awful "mob mentality" that is a bit hard to explain.

I am writing to ask for help… maybe you could give me some strategies/suggestions for working our way out of this messy pattern. It seems that "talk, talk, talk" won't really get us where we need to be.

I appreciate any support.

Thank you very much.

First, thank you for reaching out.

This situation is challenging but not uncommon, especially at this stage in development. Most socialization happens before age six (6), but we often say that the mean switch starts to flip around 5th grade, and these boys are getting close to that age. The conformity bias is getting stronger by this stage, and recognizing that socialization is a process driven mainly by peers is essential. While adult intervention can set expectations, actual change must come from within their social structures.

You’re right—just discussing belonging and kindness isn’t enough. In reality, kids conform to the behaviors modeled by their peer leaders. If even one or two dominant influencers target this student, others will naturally follow, forming an intergroup or collective. This is part of their natural search for agency, but it can have painful consequences for those who struggle socially and are excluded because they don’t “fit in.”

The Power of Peer Influence

Instead of focusing solely on stopping negative behaviors, we approach it from a strength-based model and leverage the power of positive peer influence. One of the best ways to do this is by enlisting a student with social influence to take on a “secret mission,” as it were. Framing it as a special, confidential assignment engages their natural sense of purpose and challenge. You can even get a little goofy about it.

We like to approach this by saying something like:

“I have a secret mission for you, but I’m not sure if you can handle it…”

From there, we suggest giving them a small piece of the targeted student’s story to lay the foundation for empathy. It’s hard to help someone, and it’s even harder to help someone you don’t know well. One of the reasons we love Circle so much is that it provides a structured way for students to hear each other’s stories, recognize strengths, and understand challenges.

When students see each other as real people rather than just classmates, they develop that deeper sense of empathy. This approach fosters organic connections, making social reintegration more likely. While we can’t build a significant empathy connection between these students just by sharing some of the targeted student’s stories, we can plant the seeds for connection.

It’s also important to remember that we don’t need to spook this student with a monstrous task. Instead, it’s about making small, intentional moves to include them. Simple things work best, like asking the student to sit with them on the bus or say hi to them in front of others, or even doing something nice for them once a week.

The key is visibility. As this influencer builds a new intergroup with this excluded student, others will become part of it, or eventually, they will merge into the large group over time. When other students see an influencer treating the excluded student with dignity, they conform to that behavior. This shifts group dynamics and creates healthier social norms.

Once your “secret agent” has had time to carry out their mission, take a moment to follow up with them. Acknowledge their effort and courage to step outside social norms to show kindness and belonging. Carol Dweck’s research on the growth mindset reminds us that fostering resilience and empathy is a process, one that requires effort, reflection, and reinforcement. Recognizing their effort reinforces the idea that small actions can create meaningful change. In the end, the goal isn’t just to help one student—it’s to create a culture where lifting others up becomes the norm.